I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
