Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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