i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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