And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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