please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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