Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize