I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
