Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
