I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
