i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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