my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize