she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
