My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
