I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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