What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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