plz talk dirty to me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
