i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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