Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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