i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize