dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
