three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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