if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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