I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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