The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
