During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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