My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
