Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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