Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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