Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
