Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
