I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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