I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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