Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
