he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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