Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
