i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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