Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
