I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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