Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
