this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
