She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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