I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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