with your own penis?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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