Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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