Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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