i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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