Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
