Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
