Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
