The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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