If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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