I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I deserve this hangover.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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