I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
