just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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