My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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