remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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