Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
