I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
