After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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