There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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