Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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