Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
