She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
