Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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