this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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