apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
