I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
